Heights, gangsters, Aids and pranksters.
Just to name a few.
But what really drives me, what pushes me to an anxious precipice
Is a fear of failure.
Of letting people down.
Of not living up to expectations.
But to their faces
I shrug and say "whatever."
While inside I'm crippled.
By thoughts of falling and not getting up.
Of staggering too far behind my peers.
Of succumbing to my fears.
Of not being liked, hired, or invited.
Taught to hide the weakness.
For fear of being eaten alive.
Taught to drive my fears deep inside.
So I wear this mask of indifference.
Pretending to be too cool too care.
Too chill to worry.
Too self-aware to struggle.
Maybe I'm so frozen in my step.
In what other people think.
In subjective measures of my success
That malaise tunnels into me like cancer.
Does it trick me into avoiding trying altogether?
Too frustrated to deal with the questions of life
And plans for tomorrow?
Am I simply a prisoner of my own self-doubt?
Idle hands, wasted time, and feigned satisfaction.
All excuses I've accepted for not pushing the envelope.
For not wanting it more.
For settling into my comfort zone.
For letting the fear manifest its ugly face.
For it must be fear that drives me.
That catalyzes my every move.
That renders me helplessly cloaked in indifference.